Dear caterers…

Stop doing this. Now.

Mixing various sandwiches on a platter so you get the visually appealing mix of colour is an absolute delight to see, but every vegetarian, every Jew or Muslim, and every allergy sufferer just steadily shakes their head and dives into their bag for the emergency muesli bar.

I’m vegetarian. I don’t eat meat. I don’t really want my sandwiches to be bathed in meat sweat and juices. I don’t want cross contamination.

I have Muslim and Jewish friends. Pork to them is unclean. Random meat of indeterminate origin is not their bag. They usually take the vegetarian route where the meat is unclear, but when it’s all touched each other it’s not really fair.

My wife, well she can’t eat sweetcorn. A hint of it sets off a bad reaction. She doesn’t want to go anywhere near the tuna and sweetcorn. That would be very bad.

You can’t even smell for it on one of these platters because with these platters you just end up with a mixed smell, often drowned out by the tuna.

Even the supermarkets do it, although they do now seem to offer a vegetarian version (some do, at least).

What’s wrong with a plate of each type of sandwich? Seriously? It’s not that difficult to do… You could even do us a favour and write on the edge of the plate in Sharpie what the sandwiches are. Takes the guesswork out of the meats.

As for the samoas and “random filling rolls”, well they’re just a minefield! It could be meaty… It could be people meat… You just don’t know.

At least quiche is a little easier to guess!

Until something changes, the tracker bars will remain on standby.

Should I go vegan?

A couple of my friends are vegan. I’m vegetarian and have been for over 20 years now. I’ve never knowingly eaten meat or animal derivatives in that time.

I’m not a preachy hatey vegetarian though. I just did it because I never liked meat as a kid, and to be honest gelatine just grosses me out. The thought of eating marrowbone jelly and connective tissue makes me bilious.

I’ve recently been asked “why don’t you go vegan?”

Well I have thought about it, and dismissed it.

Even though of late I’ve found myself drinking more almond milk and heading away from milk products in general I still occasionally get a hankering for cheese, and I still love eggs, plus knowing the chickens who lay our eggs makes that better in my conscience.

Knowing the girls who run around the pen chasing you, and the cockerel who pecks your arse is very reassuring.

It’s as if we have a mutual relationship with the girls; they probably wouldn’t have a life if they weren’t running around that large pen owning the place. They’ll never be killed for their meat, and they’ll always be kept healthy.

My other big beef (get it) is my leather. I do love wearing leather. That is something that is a part of who I am. I’ve tried (and do actively wear PVC and latex) but there’s nothing quite like leather when it comes to warmth, dryness, and comfort.

No. I don’t think I’ll go vegan. I’m almost there, but I think the last hurdle is a hurdle too big for me.